To Hold
by Rayless Night
Summary: 1. "While you were away, I got to thinking." 2. "Why does it always have to be about the cow?" 3. "Why is this such a problem for you?"
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: This started as a oneshot. After I posted the final chapter of my SN fic "Soul Searching", several people mentioned they'd have liked to see this...story point expanded. Plus, I'd played with this idea in my other fics, but I hadn't clearly thought about how it actually happened. And after writing this first chapter, I got the idea for two other episodes. So now I have a three shot._

_Each chapter is a separate story, though the three stories are interrelated. You __don't__ have to have read "Soul Searching" to understand this story. _

_Disclaimer: __Soul Nomad and the World Eaters__ is the property of Nippon Ichi Software. As are any shout-outs to the game itself, natch. Rating is for language, suggestive themes and strong violence. Gig, basically.  
_

* * *

**To Hold**

1

Most mornings, particularly mornings after she'd spent the first half of the night on guard duty, Revya liked to sleep in. If she couldn't sleep, she liked to lie in bed and just lazily think. But today, she was restless, long before she needed to be. She got up, grabbed some clothes, found the bird-stenciled screen Marlene had made for her last birthday and headed out of her room, jogging through the complex of houses and apartments carved right into the cave, out into the open air, down to the hot springs. She set up her screen, stripped and slipped in for a good long soak - but found herself washing her hair in less than a minute. Within five minutes, she was drying herself off, and inside of a quarter hour she was walking through the mess hall, a plate of buttery toast and eggs in one hand, an orange in the other.

She found Gig and Danette seated on either side of one of the long tables, glaring at each other. They'd just come off of guard shift together, and Revya could assume they'd spent most of it bickering, if they weren't talking about the two major things they had in common: hotpods and running Revya's life. Or they could've been bickering about both. She hesitated as she approached them, wondering whom she should sit next to. Sometimes it didn't matter, but other times it seemed like a silent war waged between them. She made a quick decision and sat next to Danette, relieved Gig didn't flash her an irritable twitch. "Good morning."

Danette yawned into her coffee. "You ready to head out?"

"Yup." Revya dug her nail into the orange rind. "What about you, Gig?"

Gig glanced up from his own coffee mug (there were two empty ones shoved to the side) and rolled his eyes.

"Whew, we gotta long morning ahead of us." Danette bit her hard-boiled egg in two. "I need to make sure Janey gets those sandwiches made, plus I gotta clean out the visiting room. Are you sure you two can make it back by one-thirty?"

"If we hustle, but I don't see why there should be any problems." Revya bit into an orange slice. "Not unless Father Valerio needs to deal with something in Astec before we go. You eaten yet, Gig?"

Gig blinked at her. "I don't need to eat. I just need to sleep for a week and destroy the world when I wake up."

Revya passed him a piece of toast. He stared at it dully.

"Well, I think the sooner we get going, the better," Revya said.

"You're really antsy this morning," Danette observed.

Gig took a bite of toast. "Must be nice."

"Cheer up," Danette told Gig. "We haven't seen Father Valerio in like forever and this is his first time coming to the Village. We need to be happy and make him feel welcome here."

"Oh," said Gig, ripping the rest of his toast into confetti, "I'm happy."

"Here," said Revya, passing him two orange slices. He sighed and chewed, then got up to snag another coffee.

"Now, remember," Danette said again when Gig and Revya were standing at the Village's front gate. "Be here by one-thirty. I really - really-" the Sepp clenched her teeth nervously "-want this visit to go well."

"Danette, it's Father Valerio," Revya said. "He'll forgive us if we accidentally mess up."

"Yeah, but I don't want him to _have_ to forgive us!" She stamped her hoof. "We're not stupid kids anymore. So, okay? Just get going! Hurry!"

"Oh yeah," Gig said, slowly turning towards the road. "See us hurrying? Hey, kid, look: flowers! Let's go pick them."

"I'm going to kill you!" Danette shouted after him. "I'm going to snap your neck and use your head as a doorstop!"

Once they were on the road, steadily moving, Revya's nerves began to loosen. Even Gig seemed cheered by the sunny, slightly cold morning. "Feeling better?" Revya asked.

He shrugged.

"What a horrible way to come back from a trip," Revya commented. Gig had returned from a hotpod run in Orviska just the day before, right when Gadius needed to cop out of guard duty to stay up with his sick daughter. Gig, back in the village for all of a half hour, had been strongarmed into picking up the slack.

"So anyway," Revya said, her nerves trickling back. She hadn't planned on saying anything, but she suddenly couldn't think of any good reason not to bring it up; well, except for if it went badly, she'd feel wretchedly stupid; she should get it over with; yes. "While you were away, I got to thinking."

Gig spun his scythe in his hand, stopping it by letting it slap against his palm. "I knew I shouldn't have left you unsupervised."

"I was just thinking," Revya said, "do you want to get married?"

Gig didn't stop altogether, but his steps certainly slowed as he turned to look at her.

Revya stared back. Now that she'd spoken, she no longer felt the sharp prickle of nerves, just a suspended anticipation. "What? Don't tell me you've never thought about it."

"Where the hell did that come from?" He was laughing slightly. "Were you waiting for me to come back, thinking, 'Oh, where's my Gig, I miss him so much, I need someone to hold me when it's cold'?"

"If you'd rather I get someone else to hold me when it's cold..."

"No back-sass from you." He turned away, his face betraying little, but she could tell he was working it over in his mind. "Marriage? Come on, wasn't Yuga Mountain bad enough?"

"Yuga Mountain was years ago." She angled her steps a bit closer to him. "And years are a long time to wait for anything. Besides, Nei told Gadius who told Grunzford who told Van who told Marlene who told Virtuous who told Danette who told me that you said you like me."

"As I recall," Gig said with killing patience, "_I_ told you I like you."

"Seriously," Revya said, brushing a few wayward strands of hair out of her face, "we should think about it." Her voice came a shade more quietly. "I'd like to marry you."

He watched her out of the corners of his eyes. "We don't have enough money to get married."

"We'll probably never have enough," Revya countered. "Besides, we've never needed money. We're town guards. The Village pays us by giving us food and rooms." She watched him a moment. "Hey," she said, "I'll just ask one more time, and then if you want, we'll drop it." She stepped closer to him, also looking at him sidelong. "Will you marry me?"

Gig didn't answer.

Revya let that pass for half a minute, but no more. "Are you going to blush?"

"Bitch," Gig tossed out.

Revya pressed her lips together, fighting back a surge of disappointment. After a moment, she collected herself and even managed to shrug. "Okay then. So, when we get to Astec, do you want to see if that new shop has-"

"Or we could," Gig said quickly, probably more quickly than he'd intended.

Revya stepped closer to him. "Do you mean that?"

He looked down at her, distantly, then smiled. "Yeah, why not? I love you, you love me, we're one batshit family. We get along." He thought a moment. "Usually."

Revya laughed. "Okay then." They walked in silence for a while, not talking, but both smiling.

After they'd reached the halfway mark to Astec, Gig said, "So, what are we going to do? Go back home, stand in the town square and shout that we're getting spliced?"

"Well...I was hoping we could get it over with in Astec."

Gig spun around to face her. "Whoa, right now? You really can't hold yourself back, huh?" He shook his head. "It's my fatal charm."

She rolled her eyes. "Look, if we go back and announce it, what's going to happen? Everyone will run up to us with advice and plans and...ideas about the ceremony and guests and..." She grimaced. "Someone will insist I wear a dress, and - well-" She looked at him. "Do _you_ care about any of that stuff?"

He spun the scythe again. "Nope."

"So this'll just be easier. I mean..." She grinned. "We are on our way to meet a priest."

* * *

They wended their way through Astec's busy streets, dodging quickly away from Vitali's restaurant (and the bouncer who knew them all too well), then sprinting away from Christophe's carriage when they saw it rolling down the avenue, not pausing until they came to the inn that Valerio had said he'd be staying at - the Dinky Phynx.

The innkeeper told them which was the priest's room, and they went up the stairs still debating how they should break their news to him. They found Valerio sitting on the edge of his bed, reading a letter.

"Ah, so good to see you again," the mild Sepp said, climbing to his hooves. "It's been a long journey, but no journey is truly long when there are friends at the end of it."

"Mm, yeah," said Gig.

"How did the trip go?" Revya asked, returning the priest's hand-clasp. "Was the company good?" Valerio had found a group of soldiers who were traveling to the Village to protect him.

"They are good souls, all of them," Valerio replied. He thought a moment. "Most of the time." He reached for his traveling satchel. "Shall we be on our way, then? I would hate to keep Danette waiting."

Revya glanced at Gig. "Well, we were...hoping you could do us a favor."

"Of course."

Gig took Revya's hand. "Okay, tie the knot."

Valerio dropped his satchel. "Good heavens!"

"What?" Revya asked, a tad defensively.

"I beg your pardon," Valerio said, fumbling to pick up the satchel. "I just - it's a bit sudden. And I didn't even know you belonged to the Church of Apis."

"Apis?" Gig glanced at the ceiling. "Let me tell you a thing or two about gods."

"We'd be honored if you married us," Revya said quickly. "You've always been such a good friend to us."

"Well..." Valerio regarded his satchel, forehead rumpled. "I don't think this is the sort of thing that should be hurried. I'd feel better if I was sure you two knew each other well, knew each other's hearts and...opinions and...habits..."

Unbeknownst to each other, they gave him identical deadpan looks.

"Quite true," Valerio said. "I'm afraid I was forgetting myself. Very well then, we can do it here."

"Told you," Revya said to Gig. "They carry little priest kits."

"What sort of ceremony do you want?" Valerio asked, unpacking his kit: a basin, a small knife and a packet of herbs. "We can do the full ceremony if you have rings, some sort of music and turtledoves."

"Skip the birds, bells and bling," said Gig.

"Very well, then, we'll be minimalists." He withdrew a parchment and a stylus, leaning them against the wall. "First, the certificate. Names?" They gave their names. "Ages?"

"Twenty three," said Revya.

"Five," said Gig.

Valerio's hand paused before writing the number. Gig coughed, and it sounded oddly like "statutory rape".

"Parents?" Valerio asked.

"Unknown."

"None."

"Hometown?"

"The Hidden Village," in unison.

Valerio grimaced (and perhaps hoped no one in a position of authority ever asked to see this document). "Now, sign this. It's your word that you are both free to marry. Very good. Er...what's that after your name, Gig?"

"It's a skull," Gig replied. "With hotpod leaves."

Valerio sighed, signing his own name. "Now for the ceremony. Please join hands. Do you each freely consent to this union?" They said they did. Valerio led them to his bedside table, positioning their hands over the basin. He took each of their right hands in turn, cut their palms open, then reclasped their hands, wounds together. "As your blood now mingles, so do your lives. Will you promise fidelity and respect for each other? Will you promise to nurture any children you might have together? Will you promise, not to the gods but to each other, to protect each other's bodies and souls? If you will, seal your vows with a kiss."

Gig flicked Valerio a "turn around, dumbass" sort of look. Valerio let them kiss for about five seconds (it was his usual average) before benignly clearing his throat. He parted their wounded hands, then extracted various herbs and plants, sprinkling shavings of each on the cuts.

"Ivy for enduring love, chamomile for longevity, rosemary for fertility, violet for fidelity and calendula for joy."

Gig and Revya stared at the piles of crud in their hands and made no comment.

Undeterred by their reaction, Valerio wound lengths of cloth around each of their hands. "Your bond is good in the eyes of our creators. May you find joy and peace in each other." Then he stepped back. "Congratulations."

"Wow," Revya said, examining her bandage. "That was nice. It was very-"

"-fast," Gig supplied.

"People do seem to like it," Valerio acknowledged, pouring water in the basin, then some herbs, then cleaning off the knife. "If I remember correctly, the Thurist ceremony took six hours and involved painting a live iguana. Now then, shall we...hmm..."

"What?" Revya asked. "Get going? Sure."

"Well-" Valerio broke in, glancing from one to the other. "I do hate to make you rush out again right after being married. It's something you should celebrate."

"Oh, don't worry about us," Revya said, though she stepped closer to Gig and brushed her shoulder against his arm. "We've known each other so long, we're totally sick of each other."

"Vitali," said Gig.

Revya blinked and looked up. She'd been expecting a casual aside. Maybe he'd said "I love you" and it had just sounded like "Vitali" because he'd said it fast... No, no, there was no point deluding herself, he'd said "Vitali."

"I'm Revya," Revya said after a moment, staring up at him. "Vitali wears a hat and looks nothing like me."

"No, I mean what better way to celebrate than to descend on Tranquillity Grotto and scare the hell out of Shitali?"

"We have lifelong bans," Revya reminded him.

"It's our freakin' wedding day," Gig shot back.

Revya looked carefully up at him. "You didn't marry me just so we could get a free lunch out of Vitali?"

"Of course not," Gig said, winding his arm around her waist, "but what's a wedding cake without icing on top?"

"Well..." She couldn't deny that a lunch - a free lunch off Vitali - would be pretty sweet. "Okay. Father Valerio can come too, of course." She turned to the priest.

"Why, thank you," Valerio said, ignoring Gig's annoyed look. "I would be most pleased to - No, wait." He clasped his hands. "I'm afraid young Danette is still waiting for us."

Gig and Revya blinked, then turned back to each other. They didn't say anything, but each knew the other was systematically running through all the ways Danette would react to their news.

"I...definitely think we should linger at Vitali's," Gig said.

"I'm afraid I couldn't disappoint her," Valerio said.

"She has been working hard," Revya admitted. "But..."

"Those soldiers you came up with still here?" Gig asked the priest, who nodded. "Okay, let's see how much cash we have."

"Oh, no - no, really-" Father Valerio protested, but of course they ignored him. As Gig went downstairs to hire the soldiers to escort Valerio all the way to the Village, Revya dashed off a quick note to Danette.

"Just have to apologize, you know," Revya explained. "She's probably been planning our wedding for years. Anyway, I'm sure lunch won't disappoint you. She's getting these great sandwiches and lots of hotpods-"

"Which she'd better not eat all of," Gig said, coming back inside.

"Gig, I'm sure she-"

"Put it in the letter," Gig insisted. "'Do not eat my hotpods on pain of lingering, gruesome death.'"

Revya added a postscript, then handed the letter to Valerio. "We really appreciate it."

"It was my pleasure," the priest replied, smiling. "May the gods of Apis bless you both."

"We're going to need blessings," Revya said, once Valerio was gone, "convincing Vitali."

* * *

It was still too early for lunch, so Revya suggested they shop for an...appeasement gift for Danette.

"Say what?" was Gig's reaction. "People are supposed to be giving presents to _us_."

"She's going to be upset that we went and did this without telling her-"

"Tough shit."

"-and that we didn't even invite her."

So Gig spent the first hour of married life very appropriately - being dragged around shops by his bride. They went to the armor supplier first and argued which type of whetstone would be better for Danette's sickles - couldn't agree and so left empty-handed. They went to a streetside vendor who specialized in exotic hotpods and picked out some bright blue starpods, which neither had ever seen before...but broke down exactly three minutes later and ate themselves.

A bit before noon, Revya stopped in front of a booth that sold shell jewelry and, almost at random, picked out a thick white bracelet and paid for it.

"Is your guilt soothed?" Gig asked. He'd gone back for another starpod and was finishing it. "Now, are we ready to descend on Vitali like a swarm of locusts?"

Vitali's bouncer was named Enrique, and when he saw them coming, he punched his fist into his palm and glared at them in a businesslike way.

Neither of them stepped within striking range. "Guess what, Enrique?" Revya said, trying not to sound apprehensive. "We just got married."

Enrique pounded his palm again, but this time, it was more hesitant.

"Yeah," Gig went on, "and we're sure our buddy Vitali would love to congratulate us. So why don't you rustle him up for us?"

Enrique pursed his lips, looked up at the sky, down at his fists, furrowed his forehead, scrunched up his nose, then, casting a cautious glance at them, sidestepped into the grotto.

"Hope this goes well," Revya muttered. Gig put his arm around her shoulders and spun his scythe, as if warming up.

Vitali stepped out onto the street, his hands folded, skepticism on his face. "Enrique says you wish to see me?"

"Break out the rice and balloons," Gig said, "we just got hitched."

Vitali blinked. Once. Twice. Then, like a cloud passing over the sun, all the color washed from his face, leaving it the shade and consistency of tapioca pudding. It was so amazing it deserved three literary images in a row. "You - what-?"

"Meet the little woman," Gig said, pressing his cheek to the top of Revya's head (she took this patiently). "I got her on sale. Isn't she cute?"

"I don't believe this," Vitali muttered faintly. "None of my contacts - none of my spies told me-"

"You have spies watching us?" Revya interrupted.

"-Of course, my spies aren't well known for picking up on things like this, but still..." His eyes dilated as he stared at the two of them. "You two aren't planning on - reproducing?" He glanced towards the grotto. "My hotpods-!"

"All we wanted," Revya said, breaking into his soliloquy, "was your congratulations."

"Congratulations," Vitali said, clearing his throat, the color slowly returning to his cheeks.

"And lunch," Gig added.

Vitali turned quickly away.

Revya broke away from Gig and ran to Vitali's side. "Come on," she said, "after all we've been through, you're really going to turn us away on our wedding day?" Vitali tightened his jaw. "It's our special day, Vitali, and we wanted to spend it with you."

"You wanted," Vitali said, "to spend it with my food."

"Food cooked by the loving hands of Vitali," Revya argued. "Just a bit of lunch before we head back home. That's all."

Vitali crossed his arms and tapped his foot for a long moment, clearly weighing his options. Turning away old friends on their wedding day would be the height of rude, bans or no bans. Inviting them in but making them pay for their meal would be ruder still. He had nothing against Gig and Revya unless it involved feeding them. Then, he had everything against them. "Very well, come inside. I'll...whip up a special honeymoon menu just for you. Brytta!" he called to one of the waitresses. "Please put these two in booth 3 Q."

When Vitali was making his rounds of the grotto, seeing that everything was in order, Gig waved him over. "Hey, pansycakes, this booth is a bit snug." They were wedged into one corner of the main dining room, on a two and a half foot long bench with a small table in front of it. "Can we get some elbow-room?"

"You're newlyweds," Vitali replied smoothly and skimmed off.

"We could go to Christophe's," Revya offered, shifting slightly. Her right arm, jammed against Gig, had gone numb.

"No," Gig said. "No way. I've had more than enough of the smiley creepyass millionaire."

"Hello," Brytta, the waitress, trilled, trotting over. "Master Vitali's made up a special menu just for you two. Everything's free." She handed them a plain piece of parchment that someone had thoughtfully glued a doily to the back of. "May I start you off with some drinks?"

They glanced at the _Drinks_ section.

_Water_

_Water with Ice Cubes._

Gig looked at Revya. Revya looked at Gig. Gig said, "We're going to go wild and crazy and get two Waters with Ice Cubes." Brytta scribbled that down on her notepad and scurried off.

They studied the rest of the menu:

_Appetizers: _

_Assorted Nuts_

_Entrees:_

_Ham Sandwich_

_Desserts:_

_A Wedding Cupcake_

At the bottom:

_Best Wishes From All of Us at Tranquillity Grotto!_

"Decided on your order?" Brytta asked after returning with their Waters with Ice Cubes.

"Yeah," Gig said thoughtfully. "I'm thinking I'm going to have a ham sandwich. But could you swap the ham for, like, a steak?"

Brytta blinked. "Oh - okay, sure."

"Great, so that's a steak sandwich... Nice rare steak, thanks, with a tangy hotpod sauce. And...hey, while we're at it, can you swap the bread slices for some potatoes?"

"I guess so." She glanced at Revya.

Revya looked scrupulously at the menu, then down at her empty stomach. "I'll have a ham sandwich too, except could you replace the slices with pita bread, and instead of the ham, I'll have that great seafood salad Vitali makes. Um, thanks."

"Okay," Brytta rattled off. "That's two ham sandwiches with no ham, no bread, a streak, tangy hotpods, potatoes, pita bread and seafood salad."

They didn't see Vitali again until they were sharing their Wedding Cupcake. "I trust your meals were satisfactory?"

"More than you'd ever guess," Gig replied. Revya kept her head down.

* * *

"Look," Revya said on the way back to the Hidden Village. They'd spent the rest of the day bumming around Astec (buying hotpods off the vendors, eventually getting nabbed by Christophe and having to spend two hours at his manor), and now it was closing in on evening. "We're moving into my place."

"But all of my stuff is in my room," Gig argued. "Besides, your place is a mess."

Revya rolled her eyes. "My rooms are bigger. And, most importantly, my nearest neighbor isn't a two-ton Redflank who snores."

Gig thought a moment. "Okay, your rooms it is. Besides, Virtubitch will probably be happy my place is empty again. I think it used to be a storage room. There are times," he said, "when I wake up in the middle of the night and smell cleaning fluid."

"And one more thing," Revya said, "you are _not_ carrying me over the threshold."

He raised an eyebrow. "I'm not?"

"No," Revya said firmly. "We are just walking in like sane, normal people."

"Yeah, like the sane, normal people we happen to be."

"I'd just feel stupid if you carried me, okay?"

He put his hand to his heart. "God forbid I make you feel stupid."

Revya shook her head and glanced up the road. Her steps slowed slightly. "We're going to be there soon. Do you suppose Father Valerio's spilled the beans?"

"If he told the cow, then, yeah, I'm assuming the entire Village has heard about it at least twenty times already."

Revya fiddled with her earring. "You know - we should've run out west. Gone on, like, a month-long honeymoon. Done a proper elopement."

"We'd have to deal with them sooner or later," Gig argued. "Let's just get it over with."

Revya stopped walking. "I hope Danette doesn't hurt me too badly."

Gig stopped walking too and stepped up to her. "Kid, would you get a grip?"

"Sorry, it's just - Danette and I have always gone through everything together. I mean, we first arrived in the Village a month apart, and we were its two little amnesiac weirdos. She's always been there for me, and now I've gone and gotten married without her even knowing..."

"Just face the fact that when we get home, the cow's going to turn you inside out and slice you six ways," Gig advised. He slid his arm around her waist. "But she can't change anything. She'll get used to it. And if she doesn't, it'll be pretty damn funny."

"Not if I'm getting pulverized every day," Revya said glumly.

"Eh, you need to ramp up your training anyway. When was the last time you killed a god?" Her head was still bowed. "Hey, what?" She felt his arm tense. "You aren't regretting anything, are you?"

Revya glanced up into his face and could see - in his eyes or the tension of his eyelids - worry. His arm was still around her, and she could feel that he was poised to pull away. She shook her head and, despite her concerns about Danette, didn't have to work hard for a smile. "No. Actually - as stupid as it is - I'm really happy."

Some time passed.

However, while they were snogging, they both noticed the remarkable way in which the ground had begun to shake. Thinking that, maybe, this might be important, they broke apart, arms still around each other.

A dust cloud was hurtling towards them. A large, swift dust cloud. A dust cloud with something green at its center.

"Run!" Gig said, thrusting Revya behind him. He kicked his scythe up into his hands. "I'll hold her off."

Too late.

The dust cloud darted away from Gig, then surged smack into Revya, sending her flying a dozen feet. Revya knew, after much experience, that passivity was the safest way to go.

"-can't _believe_ this - I have been egging you two on for years - thought we were best friends - most important day of your life and you don't even _tell_ me - I had to hear that my best friend was married through Papa V - had to keep it a big SECRET didn't you - never get a chance to go to Vitali's anymore and you went without me - Ow, lemme go, you jerk!"

Gig, meanwhile, had come from behind and hoisted Danette off of Revya. She repaid him by hammering him vigorously with her elbows. "Just wait till I start on you - carrying off my friend without a word - you've always been like that, Mr I'm going to take over your friend's body and now you're Mr I'm going to marry your friend and not tell you squat until it's over!"

Revya climbed gingerly to her feet, walked over and hugged the still-restrained Sepp. "I'm happy you're so happy for me, Danette."

"He didn't get my permission to marry you!" Danette shouted, trying to twist around and glare at Gig with outrage.

"I don't need your permission, you brain dead milkbag! I'm her soulmate, in case you never noticed that whole fusion-save-the-world bit from six years ago."

"I'm her best friend! And I've been her best friend for much longer than you've been her soulmate - or her husband - or whatever!"

"Yeah, well - hey, kid, where're you going? Don't you want to see me grind the cow into dog food?"

"I'm heading back for the Village," she called from up the road.

"Oh no you don't!" Danette shouted. "You're staying right here and I am giving you a _talking to!_"

"No," Revya said. "I'm going. Because if we don't hurry back, it's going to Lady Virtuous running us down next."

Gig and Danette watched her go, then looked at each other. Then ran to catch up. "So," Gig said, "does Her Hagness know?"

"Um." Danette rolled a pebble under her hoof. "I was kinda afraid to tell her, but she's probably heard by now. You know, she's also been looking forward to you two marrying and..."

"This isn't going to be pretty," Revya said.

"Get ready," Gig said, "for the biggest, most excruciating 'I told you so' in history."

With dread in their hearts, they made their way home.


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Note: This chapter takes place about four years after the first._

2

"Excuse me?" Revya said to Marlene, who guarded the door to Virtuous' private chambers. "May I see her?" As Marlene went inside, Revya rolled back and forth on the balls of her feet. After a moment, Marlene gestured her in, then stepped out and closed the door between them.

Lady Virtuous had been caught in a rare moment of unreadiness, stringing the long strands of beads through her hair. Revya could count the times she'd found Virtuous' appearance less-than-perfect. Though the goddess was the closest thing to a mother Revya could remember, she was a very poised and distant matriarch.

But she smiled now, catching Revya's eye in the mirror. "I've been expecting you."

Revya executed a quick genuflect, pressing her right knuckles to the floor, then rose. "What do you mean?" She glanced to either side, looking for signs of trouble. "Is there some problem?"

"I hope not." She tucked one strand behind her ear and stood, gathering her robes about her. "I expected you to come a bit sooner. It's been almost a month. But I suppose you didn't feel sure until now."

Revya blinked, hard. "So - you already know?" She blinked again, then shook her head. "I should've guessed. Being what you are."

"You waited long enough. You're going to be twenty-seven this year. I thought you'd never work up the courage."

Revya laughed shakily. "Courage had nothing to do with it. We're both surprised."

Virtuous raised her thin eyebrows. "And happy?"

Revya's laugh was less shaky. "Yes. It's going to be in-"

"Winter, of course."

Revya's smile slipped. "You...worked it out that fast? Wow."

It was Virtuous' turn to laugh. "There was no working it out, my child. I've known it for ages. I'm the Master of Life. Why, I was aware the moment the baby was conceived."

"Yes, well," Revya said, very quickly and loudly. And, just to talk over anything else Virtuous might say, "I'm glad you're happy. Ehem."

Virtuous fondly watched Revya attempt to collect herself. "Have you told anyone else?"

"No. We're still...not quite sure how to go about it." Revya stared thoughtfully across the room at Virtuous' tall mirror, studying her bare, flat midriff. "I'd kinda like to say nothing and just let them all notice. I mean, it's going to be obvious soon enough. But then everyone will be hurt we left them in the dark so long."

Virtuous raised her small fist and coughed delicately into it. "You mean Danette."

Revya smiled and shook her head again. "She's due back from Corsius today and she's going to go crazy. But hopefully in a good way."

* * *

Marlene, Virtuous' Whirwin guard, gave Revya an inquiring look when she left the elder's chambers, but Revya only waved in response, heading down through the cave's twisting galleries, lit by glowing crystals, until she came to her own rooms. As she opened the door, she heard the sound of Gig violently rolling over, letting her know that, third time this morning, she'd woken him up.

She crossed their open, all-purpose room, stepping through another door into their bedroom. Gig, lying on his back and wound in the sheets like a burrito, didn't acknowledge her.

"She already knew. You should've warned me she would," Revya said, sitting on the bed. She studied him a moment, then lay down at a right angle from him, head on his chest. Gig grunted and held up five fingers. Revya sighed but otherwise remained silent, mulling over her conversation with Virtuous.

When five minutes had passed, she cleared her throat. Gig sighed heavily and blinked his eyes open. "Lemme guess: smug as hell, right?"

"She got into this big philosophical thing about the Master of Death creating life..."

"And, as fascinating as I'm sure it was, you really don't need to go into it."

"Anyway, she got me thinking." Revya watched as Gig's eyes slowly flickered closed. She reached over and poked his left earlobe. "Stay with me here."

Eyes closed, Gig freed his arm out from under her and flopped it across her waist. "You got to thinking."

"We need to figure out how to tell Danette."

Gig opened his eyes in order to roll them. "Why does it always have to be about the cow?"

Revya opened her mouth to launch into the explanation he'd heard a million times before - how they were practically sisters, how they'd gone through so much together, how she deserved to know as much as anyone else - when there was a knock at the door. Revya rolled up to her feet, heading across the room to open the front door. "Yes?"

A Sepp she didn't recognize stood before her, covered with dust. "You're Revya, right? I gotta message for you." Revya noticed that the Sepp wore the badge of the Astec postal runners on his vest.

"Thanks." Revya waited until the Sepp was gone before she closed the door and turned the note over in her hands. "It's from Danette. Hey, she remembered my name for once."

"She's got to be sick," Gig said, walking into the room, jerking a tunic over his head. "She's got colic or something."

Revya opened the note.

_Hey!_

_Don't worry, I'm still coming home on schedule. Just wanted to let you know that I'm bringing a friend._ (Judging from the smudges, _friend_ had been written, erased and rewritten several times.)_ He's named Killian, I think you'll like him. Anyway, could you ask Janey to get a guest room ready for him? Thanks. Dying to see you again!_

_D_

"Friggin' hell," Gig said, reading the note over her shoulder. "Another one. That cow picks up creeps like burrs."

"They haven't all been creeps," Revya said, dropping the note onto a chair. "Remember that guy she was dating last winter? The scribe. He was nice."

"He was also running an illegal yak-scalping business."

"But he was nice," Revya reminded him. "Great table manners."

"The cow," Gig reminded her, "descends to new levels of stupidity faster than a falling anvil."

"She's testing the waters. It's not a bad thing to do." Revya glanced at the note. "Figures she'd go for a guy with 'kill' in his name."

* * *

Beyond asking Janey to prepare a guest room, they didn't discuss Danette's note further as they went down to the mess hall. Revya had contented herself with a few banana pancakes when she looked up to see Gig plunk not only his plate down but a second one in front of her.

"Whoa," she said, eyeing the potato fritters. "I don't need that much."

Gig gave her a stern look. "You're eating for two. I'm not going to let that little hotpod go hungry."

Revya glanced to either side, but no one seemed to be listening. "We don't need to worry about that quite yet." Gig smiled and cut up the fritters for her. Sighing, Revya accepted them and reached for a pat of butter. "This isn't going to be very fun," she continued in a murmur. "Lady Virtuous insisted I go off all combat, even guard duty. She doesn't expect us to be attacked, but she doesn't want to risk anything." She bit moodily into a fritter.

"So what are you planning to do for the next eight months?" Gig asked, studying her plate as if wondering whether she needed more food. "Sit around and compose poetry?"

Revya tried not to flinch at the thought of long hours of inactivity. "Well...maybe we could go down to the Nereid palace. I'd have company." She cut up one of her pancakes. "Juno's expecting her third."

Gig didn't suppress a groan. "Week after week of the fish femmes? You're kidding me."

"You don't have to come. Though...I'd like to be with you." She lightly kicked his leg under the table.

"Yeah, yeah, it's all my fault," Gig said for her. He began slicing a hotpod. "Besides, I don't want to miss out seeing my ever-increasing wife." Revya considered kicking him again, harder this time, but she ate a pancake instead. "And the little sprog and I already have a lot in common. This isn't the first time you've eaten for two."

"Pregnancy isn't quite the same as body-bunking with an evil war god who wants to eat my soul."

"Pass the salt," said Gig.

* * *

Revya was polishing the onyx blade when Danette returned. She almost never polished the onyx blade. It was the sort of thing she did when she wanted to be out swinging the sword and kicking ass...but knew she absolutely couldn't. It was like being starving, cooking up a bunch of hotpods, and then not eating them.

Danette burst into her front room without knocking. "I'm here!"

Revya tossed the sword to one side (clatter) and got to her feet. "Guess what?"

"You guess what!" Danette threw her arms boisterously around her friend. "I've got news!"

"Oh-!" Revya stepped back. "So do I."

"That's great!" Danette's rosy eyes were sparkling. "But it can't top mine."

Revya raised her eyebrow. "Just maybe." And said, "I'm pregnant!" just as Danette said, "I'm engaged!"

They stared at each other.

"What?" Revya said, honestly not sure she'd heard correctly.

"WHAT?" Danette exploded.

"Wait, how long have you known this guy?"

"You're preggers? Holy holy cow, I don't believe this, you're - you don't_ look _pregnant."

"I'm hardly a month along. How long have you-"

"Oh about a month, he's really great. So wait, were you planning this?"

"No. So is it this Killian person you were talking about?"

"Yes. Good, because if you'd been planning this without telling me-"

"Planning - wait, you've gotten engaged to someone without telling _me_?"

Danette stepped back and put her hands on her hips. "Oh yeah, like you've never heard of that before."

Revya set aside a touchy remark. "Well - yes, but you knew Gig before we, um, eloped. I didn't even know this guy existed until a few hours ago."

"Well, you don't have to worry. We're not getting married this week or anything. I wanted to give him time to get to know everyone before we finalized it."

"Okay, good," Revya said, slowly nodded. "Um..." She looked nervously at her friend. "He doesn't have anything to do with...yaks, does he?"

Danette sighed dramatically. "Look, not every guy I meet is a conniving bastard. At least I didn't run off with the freaking Grim Reaper. Speaking of which-" She trotted over and hugged Revya again, kissing her cheek. "I'm really happy for you! This is awesome. I'm gonna be, like, Auntie Danette, and-" Her eyes went wide. "Holy crap! I need to get pregnant too!"

"What? Why?"

"Because, our babies have to be best friends too, and if they're too far apart in age they won't like each other."

"Wait on the wedding," Revya advised. "I'm sure our babies will cope."

Danette lost her panicked look after a moment and rolled her eyes, hugging Revya close again. "Anyway, this is totally cool. You're gonna be a great mom, as soon as you stop being so scatterbrained..."

Revya wondered if Danette could feel her pulse quicken. "I hope so."

"...and unreliable...and kinda flaky...Why wouldn't you be?"

"Well - I mean-" Revya looked uncertainly up. "I don't know a lot about being a mother. I never really had a..."

"Lady Virtuous..." But Danette trailed thoughtfully off. Virtuous had been an authority figure for the two of them, but they both knew she hadn't been as ever present as Nei was with her children, or Juno with her daughters. Danette stuck her chin out, all but forcing cheerfulness into Revya's face. "You'll be fine. Think of yourself as a clean slate. No bad examples. Look, plenty of people a lot dumber than you have popped out babies, and they haven't totally messed up."

"I guess you're right." Revya looked down at her bellybutton, then touched it softly.

"Kid, have you seen the - oh hell," Gig said, stepping in the door.

Danette released Revya and whirled. "You jerk! You knocked up my best friend!"

Gig stared a long moment at the ceiling.

"What?" Danette demanded. "Praying for mercy?"

"I'm trying to decide whether it would be more satisfying to draw and quarter you or to lock you in an iron maiden. Actually," he leaned against the door in a thoughtful pose, "I'm torn between whether I want you to die quickly or slowly."

"Danette says she's happy for us," Revya said.

"I'm happy for_ her_," Danette clarified. "And I'm getting ready to be a good aunt, because it's going to take a lot of surveillance to make sure the baby doesn't turn out like you!"

"Tch. It's going to be the most maxed out Gigified creation in the-"

"Danette has news too," Revya interrupted, before this could turn violent.

Danette blinked confusedly a moment, then remembered. "Oh, that's right, I'm engaged. Don't say _anything_!" She poked Gig in the middle of the chest. "I have just as much right to reproduce as you do!"

"Yeah, go have fun with your wimpyass progeny..."

"My babies are not going to be wimps! My babies could beat up your babies any day of the weak!"

"Please, I'm an ex-god. My genes pwn your genes!"

"Headache," said Revya, rubbing her forehead.

"Look what you did!" Danette and Gig snapped at each other.

* * *

"I left him with the luggage," Danette admitted as the three of them made their way through the twisting passages. "Poor Killian. Janey was showing him to his room when I ran to get you - Did you pick out a nice one? You'd better."

"I put him in the dungeons," Revya said, the corner of her mouth twitching.

Danette pulled her arm back to punch Revya's shoulder - then froze. "Dammit, I can't hit you when you're preggo."

"We put him on the first floor," Revya said. "Close to the main courtyard. Less chance of getting lost." She frowned. "He doesn't sleepwalk, does he? 'Cause that would be killer down here."

"No..." Danette said slowly. "I don't think that'll be a problem. Oh - is this it?" They'd come to the first floor, where a door stood open, bags and boxes spilling out of it. "Killi? How you doing?"

"Um-" came a thin voice from within "-pretty well, I think."

"Great." Danette trotted forward, waving at Gig and Revya to stay in place, which they did, though they exchanged odd looks. "So - um." Danette glanced from her friends to the room, twisting her hands together. "I got my friends, so why don't we all...meet...each...other...?"

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Gig demanded, striding forward. "Is he some sort of-" He looked into the room, and though he neither swore nor reeled back in horror, he raised his left eyebrow in surprise. While Danette grabbed her horns and emitted an "arrgh" of frustration, Revya joined her husband in the doorway.

A slight young man, his blond hair pulled back into a small ponytail, cleared his throat and gave them a trembly smile. He had a fluffy pillow under one arm, a potted blooming cactus in the opposite hand, and a large opened crate at his feet. But nobody was really looking at those. They were staring at the enormous, creamy white wings sprouting from his back.

Revya took a moment to gather herself, then put on a smile. "Hi." She glanced at Danette, but Danette was still glaring at her hooves. "I'm Revya, Danette's friend." She went inside and offered her hand. Killian's palm was cool and very smooth. "And that's my husband, Gig." Gig smiled and made no comment. Revya was sure he was over his surprise and that his raised eyebrow was now deliberate.

"Very pleased to meet you," Killian replied, fluttering his wings a moment. "Danette's told me so much about you." He glanced hesitantly at Gig. "Both of you." Then he spoke quickly to cover up the momentary uncertainty, though his forehead remained creased. "So I'm so very, very happy to be here. I'm quite happy." Finally he looked at Danette. "I am."

"Sorry," Gig said, very slowly and politely, "I didn't hear what you said. Are you regretting coming here?" The next moment, Gig half-groaned half-gurgled as Danette rammed him into the side of the doorframe, stomping past him without a look. Revya glanced at Danette's wrathful face, then Gig as he braced himself against the doorframe, gasping for air and clutching his side. She started towards him.

"Well, I'm glad we're here," Danette said very loudly and very firmly, "you, me and my friend, even though she's going over to comfort her stupid rude baby daddy instead of standing by her friend who's been her best friend for twenty damn years!"

Revya, halfway to Gig, twitched back in Danette's direction. "Well-"

Gig, still trying to recover his breath, had been muttering during Danette's speech, saying several descriptive things that showed just how creative he truly was. His voice had now regained strength. "...suck your brains through your eyes..."

"I mean, yeah," Danette continued in the same voice, apparently not listening, "she can definitely see which of us is the better person!"

"Bite me, tenderloin!"

"Tenderloin!" Danette squealed, wheeling on him with fury in her eyes. "I'm going to bend your neck like an accordion!"

Revya interposed herself between the two combatants, arms outstretched, not exactly sure which one of them she was protecting. "Listen, guys, I - I - I...?" She blinked, staring over Danette's right shoulder.

"No, I'm not gonna listen if you keep defending him just because he - huh?" Noticing Revya's wide-eyed expression, Danette also turned around.

There was a tall dresser in the room. Killian was crouched on top of it, his wings hunched closed to his body, the very large flowery cactus held defensively out in front of him.

Danette nibbled her pinkie nail. "Um. Never mind. We'll get back to it-" she darted a lethal look at Gig "-later." Gig, for his part, was staring fixedly at Killian, eyes slightly narrowed. Revya knew he was processing this, turning things over in his head. She'd get his opinion of it soon enough.

Killian's hazel eyes were wider than Danette's. Revya tried not to fidget as they rested on her, then Gig, then Danette.

"So, yeah, everything's cool," Danette said, more firmly. "Why don't we take a tour of the village? Hey!" She clapped her hands. "Let's go see Lady Virtuous. I'm sure she'd love to meet you."

Killian drew the cactus closer to him. It seemed to muffle his voice. "Another friend?"

Danette bit her lip, then gave Revya a "Say anything and I will kill you" sort of look. She held out her hand to the male Whirwin. "You'll like Lady Virtuous. She's not batshit like my other friends."

"But we aren't chicken shit either," Gig said, only loud enough for Revya to hear. He was watching Killian cautiously put down his cactus and step down from the dresser. Taking him gently by the wrist, Danette lead Killian out of the room. Gig smiled. "You know, cow patty, some of the things Virtuous is capable of might frighten you."

Killian tucked his wings closer around himself.

* * *

That night, Revya sat on the foot of the bed, combing her hair. Gig, en route to his side of the bed, bent to study her expression. "You've got that brooding-obsessively-about things-you-can't-control face on."

Revya gently lobbed her brush onto her dresser, where it wasn't out of place in the mess. "It's been a weird day."

"Which part?" Gig sat next to her, then flopped back, kneading his forehead with both hands. "Pre-breakfast, where you got intensive psychoanalysis with a goddess? Post-breakfast, where you met the cow's wide-eyed man canary? Lunch time, where the cow got into an argument with Grunzford and the canary refused to come out from under the table? Post-lunch where we finally convinced the canary to come topside to show him Virtuous' garden? Afternoon, which we spent trying and failing to ditch the two of them? Dinner, where-"

Revya sighed and flopped down next to him, staring at the ceiling.

Gig lowered his hands and watched her for a moment. "It was dinner, wasn't it? I swear to hell and back I didn't start the food fight. I was too busy watching Canary Man go flapping away in terror. I was sure he was going to miss hitting that big red crystal, but he looked back at just the wrong moment..."

"It's not really that," Revya said after a thoughtful silence. "He's just not the sort of guy I thought Danette would go for."

Gig shrugged and rolled onto his side. "She wants a wuss to dominate. It's all she has. She's not going to find anyone stupider than herself, after all."

"...Hiding under tables?"

"It's kinda weird that he's a Whirwin too."

"There's no reason why she can't marry one."

"Yeah, but...I dunno, I don't think this world's ready for flying cow babies." As much as she loved Danette, Revya snorted with badly-suppressed laughter. Gig, evidently pleased by this reaction, slung his arm around her waist.

"Hey!" yowled Danette's voice much, much too close. "He-e-e-e-y!"

Gig groaned and gritted his teeth. "The Return of Tweedle-dweeb and Tweedle-dumb."

Revya, having sat up and shrugged Gig's arm off, was already out of the bedroom, nearly running into Danette as she burst into their front room. "What's wrong?"

"He's gone!"

Rolling his eyes, Gig sat up on the bed. "Did you check under the tables?"

"Shut up, I'm serious here!" Danette's hooves clattered on the floor; she seemed unable to hold still. "I checked his room, I checked the garden - he isn't anywhere!"

"He's a Whirwin," Revya said. "Did you check the sky?"

Danette's fists were shaking. "The guards said they hadn't seen him!"

Revya put her hands on her hips and tried to think. Gig, meanwhile, lounged back on the bed. "And he's like... a toddler in Whirwin years? Too young to survive five minutes on his own?"

"He's new around here and very upset!" Danette countered, eyes narrowing.

"Pick of the litter, that one."

"Shut up and help me find him!"

"Hey, wait a minute," Gig said before Revya had even opened her mouth. "It's almost midnight." He bounced on the bed slightly. "We're in our jammies and everything. We are not going to drag our asses all over the cave looking for your wussychick. We're going to bed."

Danette crossed her arms and regarded Gig in his jammies, which weren't enormously different from his day clothes. "You're going to snooze while he's lost and - alone and-"

"Yes."

"Fine." Danette turned to Revya. "We don't need him."

"Hey, wait a minute," Gig said again, again before Revya had even opened her mouth. He stood and crossed to her side, putting his arm around her shoulders as if he expected her to break for the door. "You can chase your boy toy to hell and back if you want, but you aren't dragging the kid with you."

Danette stepped right under his chin, glaring up. "You're not her boss. She was my best friend first."

"You sure don't take good care of her then," Gig shot back. "She's pregnant! She can't go stumbling around the cave at night."

"There are lights," Revya said, however Danette and Gig were focused exclusively on each other. It was almost enough to make a wife jealous.

"I take plenty good care of her, you soul-sucking psychotic sicko!"

"Would you shut up, you manic moronic milkbag!"

Almost.

"HEY!"

Revya rarely shouted. That was the only reason Gig and Danette noticed. They broke off at the same moment and turned to her, their faces betraying odd mixtures of frustration, anxiety and incredulity.

"Look," Revya said, much more calmly, "I don't see why we can't take a stroll around the caverns. We don't have to make a big deal out of it." Here she looked at Danette. "Because if he's just on a walk or something, he'll be embarrassed if we rush him. All right?"

Danette pressed her lips together, her eyes tensing in a way Revya hated to see. But, to everyone's relief, she didn't cry. She took a steadying breath. "Okay. Th - that's a good idea."

"Fine. Whatever. Good deed for the millennium." Gig released Revya and stalked back into their bedroom. After a moment, he tossed her her slippers and stepped into a pair of boots.

"We should get candles," Danette said, grabbing a few from the bedside tables. "In case...in case he's gone into the back caverns."

Revya started to say that he wouldn't, but didn't make it very far.

* * *

As Gig had mentioned, it was nearly midnight, and though the light quality never shifted in the cave's depths, most people were asleep by then. All of the corridors were lit by glowing crystals magicked by Lady Virtuous; in the most commonly used corridors, there was enough light to read by. The three friends tried these first.

Of course he wasn't there.

"Let's call his name," Danette suggested. She curled and uncurled her fingers anxiously. "A lot."

"Yeah, way to make the rest of the Village hate us," Gig replied. "These walls are thick, but nothing's thick enough to muffle your loud bawl."

"The rest of the Village," Danette shot back, "already hates you."

Revya was careful to always walk between them.

So they turned off the cave's main streets into the smaller alleyways, leading to shops, houses, small stone clearings.

"I shouldn't've brought him here," Danette fretted, blinking hard. "He's a Whirwin, they like wide open spaces and...clouds."

"Marlene's a Whirwin," Revya said, "and she loves it here."

Danette stopped dead in her tracks. "Marlene!"

Gig and Revya glanced at each other. "What?" Gig asked. "Did you finally remember who that is?"

Danette spun on her heel and went tearing up the corridor.

Revya would've liked to run after, but Gig said no.

"You're really going to use this against me," Revya muttered, walking as fast as Gig would let her. "You're going to use the pregnancy card every single time."

"Like you won't be using it to your advantage." Gig darted her a sidelong look, as if to make sure she wasn't jostling herself too hard.

"I need a Gig Edict," Revya said after a moment. "'Quick 'n' Easy Two Minute Pregnancy'. Right now."

"How about 'Sane Cow Friend'?" Gig suggested.

Revya shook her head. "I should've made better use of the Edicts while you still had them." They'd come to a forking path. "Okay, Marlene's house is to the left, but she could also be on guard duty, to the right. So which one do we want?"

Loud shouting began down the left hand path.

"That depends," Gig said. "Do you want to mop up Crazy Cow's tears or do you wanna go back to bed?" With a resigned sigh, Revya started down the left path. Gig watched her. "I think I can cite irreconcilable differences right here." But he started after her.

"Just hand him over, you feathered floozy, or I'm gonna rip your wings out and feed them to you!"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I know what you're up to - don't lie! You're like thirty aren't you? Too old and wrinkled to get a guy of your own, so you hafta go steal _my_ Whirwin-"

_"Wrinkled?"_

"Your feather have wrinkles, you ugly slut, and if you think I'm gonna-"

Gig and Revya watched Danette and Marlene struggling in the latter's door way, Danette trying to maul Marlene's wings, Marlene having grabbed Danette by the horns.

"I, as you keep reminding me, am pregnant," Revya said. "So it's up to you."

Gig sighed and rolled up the sleeves of his pajama top.

Revya grabbed his arm. "If you don't live through this, I just want you to know that I love you."

"Tell that to the cow," Gig muttered. "If anyone's dying, it's her." He shifted sidewise, braced himself, then lunged towards the combatants, shoulder-first. Even with her years of battles and training, Revya couldn't quite follow the action. She saw Danette's leg's windmill up through the air, an explosion of feathers around Marlene, Gig spinning around while Danette's fingers scrabbled for his eyes, Marlene bouncing off the ground, Danette flipping to do a high kick, Gig slinging Danette around by the wrists, and Marlene sweeping both of them to the side with one savage swoosh of her right wing.

"What're you doing here, Gig?" Marlene snarled, probably not from any particular malice towards Gig, just life in general. "Is this some sort of conspiracy?"

Danette was sprawled face-down on the ground. Gig was sitting on her back, leaning forward to examine a bruise blooming on one shin. He had a long shallow scratch across his forehead. "I think the cow thinks you seduced her arm candy."

Marlene stared. "What? He's practically a fledgeling. Not my type." She smiled. "I prefer Dracons."

She didn't seem to mind the way they all stared at her.

Gig waited until Marlene had closed her door before standing. "Okay, if you ever do something like that again, I don't want to hear about it."

"Are you two okay?" Revya asked. Danette pulled herself up with a hearty nod, ignoring her bruises. Gig allowed Revya to touch his scratch gently, but when she tried to use her sleeve to clean it, he jerked away. "So, we giving up on Canary Man?"

Danette tightened her jaw and shook her head.

* * *

Eventually, the only corridors they hadn't searched were the back caverns.

"You did warn him about these, right?" Revya asked, cupping her hand around her now-lit candle. These caverns, winding and mysterious, were never lit.

"Of course." Danette's hooves slid over some loose rocks. The back caverns, like the rest of the Village, had been carved out centuries even before Virtuous had brought her community there. No one was sure who had done it. The original Villagers had used them, but as the soul cycle diminished and fewer people were born, the far caverns were closed off, only the ones closer to the entrance being used.

All the children had been told never to go into them.

So of course all of them had, and had lame "Did you hear a sound, I thought I heard something, let's run!" adventures. As adults, most of them didn't bother going in. Because even if they didn't know for certain, they were pretty sure things lived back here.

"I thought I heard a sound," Revya whispered.

"It was probably me," Gig answered, "rolling my eyes."

"No, seriously," Revya said, and her voice wasn't shaking. "I thought I heard something ahead."

Danette gulped, then called out softly, "Killi?"

Echoes bounced back. "Kill - kill - kill."

"Oh hell," Gig said. "This is getting ridiculously morbid at just the wrong moment."

"RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" roared something further up the path.

"Killian!" Danette screamed, running forward.

"Wait - hey!" Gig shouted. "You don't even know he's in here!"

Revya lunged forward. Gig caught her around the waist. "We have to help her!"

"_You _have to stay safe! _I'll_ run forward and tear it a new-" He fell silent. So did Revya.

Gig looked down at his wife. "Shouldn't we have heard another inhuman roar by now?"

Revya had clamped one hand over Gig's, either in an attempt to pry it off her or to reassure herself. "I - What if it's eating her?"

"Must've gotten her in one gulp. I don't hear any screaming." As Revya struggled away from him, he released her, but insisted on preceding her down the corridor. After a short moment, they heard two voices. Neither was Danette's.

But Revya recognized the low grumble. "Gramps?"

As they turned a corner, a torch flared in the darkness, the Redflank Ben's face lit above it. "...And of course young Revya isn't far behind. And her tame god."

"I'm in the mood for steak, bullshit," Gig mentioned.

Somebody was softly weeping. "Why? _Why?_"

"Buck up," Ben said, lowering his torch. "She'll be fine. She's run into much harder things than me before."

As the combined firelight drew larger, Revya was presented with a tragic tableau. Danette lay sprawled on the ground, knocked cold. Above her stood the Redflank, a fresh bruise on his shoulder. And kneeling over Danette was the weeping form of Killian.

"She came fast," Ben said, rather approvingly. "She tried for a head butt. But you don't do that to Redflanks."

"She - she was so-" Killian sobbed, grasping Danette by the limp shoulders and clasping her to him. "I never got a chance to - to really say how I-"

"What're you two doing here?" Revya asked.

"Yeah," Gig said, eyeing them. "Because if you're about to confess something, this could be really interesting."

However, Ben had already been talking and so fortunately didn't hear. "The young Whirwin wanted combat training." He gestured to two wooden practice swords on the ground.

"Ooog..." said Danette, blinking slowly. Killian cried out and began kissing her face.

"The males don't get training in their own clans," Ben went on. "It's normal. But when he came here, he felt out of place among all us warriors and our..." Ben cleared his throat. "...warlike tendencies."

"Blurgh...what?" Danette said faintly.

"He felt he'd been cowardly, and so he wanted to impress Danette by suddenly being able to fight one day. So we arranged secret lessons."

"Mmph," Danette observed around one of Killian's kisses.

"Still, he's pretty bad. He keeps poking the air around my knees. And I was giving a demonstration on battle roars just now. The Whirwin keeps squeaking. I don't think his heart is in it yet." Ben picked up his sword and tucked it into his belt. "But I guess it goes to show the unreasonable lengths a man will go to impress his woman."

Revya nodded, then frowned, then looked up at Gig.

"What?" Gig demanded. "Okay, I heaved my ass out of bed for you, I broke up two screaming banshees for you, I-"

Revya raised her eyebrow. "Actually, I was just thinking that we should really clean that scrape."

Gig narrowed his eyes. "You're welcome, pumpkin."


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: Final chapter. _

* * *

3

With an effort, Revya pulled herself out of bed, her eight-and-a-half-months large stomach weighing her down, then levered herself upright. She rested her palm above her naval, rewarded by three emphatic kicks. Maybe the baby had already been asleep and had wanted to stay that way. "Don't tell me you're going to take after your dad."

When she came down to the mess hall for breakfast, the first person she met was Killian, Danette's husband of six months. He leaned against his halberd and smiled at her. "I stood guard duty last night."

"Great," Revya said.

"I mean, the entire shift." He studied the halberd fondly. "I didn't even faint this time."

"Wonderful." Revya glanced around. "Is Danette up yet?"

"Yeah." Killian began to twist his fingers together. "She had a bad night. Kept needing to relieve herself, and she said her legs hurt. So she decided to get up early and go take a walk outside."

"It's still raining!" Danette snapped, stalking in, droplets flying off of her.

"You didn't slip in the mud?" Killian asked anxiously.

"No, but I didn't get to go on my walk either," she snapped. "Which is just as well because my hooves are killing me and my stomach feels like a lead ball."

Revya blinked. "I'm the one who's about to have a baby."

Danette glanced down at her own stomach, which was five months along. "Well, I can sympathize, can't I? Ooo!" One hand jumped to her stomach. "I felt another kick!"

Killian crowded close. "It might be one of the wings, stretching."

"If it has wings."

Revya left them to their ooing, grabbing herself some toast, porridge, and quite a few hotpods before returning to her room. But before she ate, she resolved to do some stretches on the floor.

_Come on, tummy, out of the way. I've barely moved for three months now. I can't just sit around all the time. I'm going to go crazy._ Even with a considerable reserve of willpower at her disposal, Revya's stretches mainly consisted of flailing her limbs out. After five minutes, she leaned against a bedpost and bit into a piece of toast. She was already more tired than she'd ever admit. _I took a faceful of exploding Raksha without flinching, but my own baby's running me down?_

She jumped as the door banged open. "Shore up the defenses, I'm back." She knew the voice quite well, but she was used to hearing it with more enthusiasm. While she pressed her back against the bedpost, using it to heave herself up, Gig stalked in, drenched from head to foot. He flipped several mop-like strands of hair out of his eyes, then took her arm to help her. "Hell, you're even bigger aren't you?"

Despite the fact that he was more than damp and she had to maneuver her stomach out of the way, Revya gave him a kiss. "Look, this baby isn't going to get any smaller."

"Yeah, but I was only gone a week." He kissed her again, then leaned back to get a better view of her stomach. "Damn, it's so round...like Christophe's bald head." He tapped it. "Hey, how're you doing, little hotpod? Happy Dad's back?"

The baby kicked.

"I think it's taking after me," Gig said, quite pleased. He shrugged off his haversack, which Revya knew would be full of the remains of his hotpod run in Christophe's mansion. He then began to simultaneously disrobe and search in one of his drawers for dry clothes.

"Traveling must've been awful. You're so late." Revya waited until Gig had turned and pulled his tunic over his head before reaching one hand towards the haversack.

"Been raining for days." Gig's voice was muffled. "The roads turned into shit. Damn, where are my black pants?"

The haversack opened quietly. Not looking at it, Revya slid one hand inside. "You have like ten pairs of black pants."

"Yeah, but I can't find the ones I want!" He snapped out a less-satisfactory pair and stepped into them. "Christophe was a pain in the ass. I knew I shouldn't've gone and I was right."

Revya's fingers felt the smooth, succulent curve of an Orviskan hotpod. Watching Gig, making sure his back was still to her, she locked her fingers around it and began to bring her arm close to her body. "He just likes trying to figure you out."

Gig was rummaging for a new tunic. "Trying to figure me out? He's writing a friggin' book about me! He kept asking if I had a traumatic childhood, and when I told him I didn't have a childhood, period, he thought I was repressing it."

Revya brought the hotpod to her mouth, touched her lips to it a moment. Then she parted her lips and silently bit off a small piece, lowering the rest of the fruit to hide in the crook of her arm.

"Anyway, how're you?" Gig thought a moment, then slung on several of the shackles he still insisted on wearing. "I was worried you were going to pop the tyke out while I was gone." He turned. "So-"

Revya gulped - coughed hard - then swallowed forcibly. She blinked and tried to work on a smile. "So...?"

Gig's eyes narrowed. "Being pregnant is not going to save you."

"I love you, Gig."

"Don't even try that, kid. This goes beyond marriage vows."

"I'm going to have your baby, Gig."

"And_ then_ I am killing you!" Gig paced while Revya openly took another bite of hotpod. "No. No, I'm going to cut out your tongue. Let's see you enjoy hotpods then."

"Think of it this way: the baby's getting a head start on its hotpod eating career. And we should start it with the best." She took a third bite.

"What am I, your hotpod sugar daddy?"

Revya carefully got up. "I'm really happy you're back."

"I can tell!" Gig snapped as Revya hugged him.

* * *

"Where's the hag?" Gig asked as they walked through the caverns. He nodded to the main square, where Virtuous usually strolled in the morning. "Is she taking one of her naps?"

"Don't know. You could ask Dirk."

Gig shrugged and put his arm around her. "Whatever. So, how long do you think it's going to be? Are you feeling any contractions or..." He stared down at her. "Dirk?"

Revya blinked confusedly up at him, then shook her head. "Oh right. He's only been here for five days. It just feels like he's always been here."

"What?" Gig snorted. "Does Virtubitch have a boyfriend?"

"Well...it kinda looks that way."

Gig stopped walking, which made Revya stop too. He looked anxiously down into her face. "Shit, the baby's not screwing with your head, is it?"

"It is pretty weird," Revya admitted.

"You're serious? The - the hag has a-"

"He definitely seems interested in her." Revya put her arm around Gig's waist, prodding him to walk again. "He's a traveling scholar, and he came here because he knew this place has a lot of history. And he took one look at Lady Virtuous and just..."

"-threw up, right? Have you seen those wrinkles? You could shelve books on them."

"And just fell. Hard. And I think Lady Virtuous likes the attention."

Gig stopped again and took Revya by the shoulders, facing her head-on. "You seriously aren't shitting me?"

"Seriously."

"Okay." Then Gig released her, wheeled and stalked down the hall towards Virtuous' chambers.

Revya, not as sprightly as she used to be, didn't catch up until Gig had banged into Virtuous' chambers, KOing the guard. By the time Revya stepped in and sunk into a half-genuflect, Virtuous was staring at Gig with a coolly raised eyebrow and Gig had been going on for half a minute.

"-some nymphomaniacal goddess who's trying to relive her teenagehood - no, screw that, trying to-"

Virtuous pulled her staff out of thin air, waved it, and Gig was knocked back into the far wall. "Good morning, Revya. How are you feeling?"

Revya glanced at the two combatants. "Um..."

"Now, Gig," Virtuous said, her voice taking a stern edge, "I think you're being unreasonable. I really don't understand why you're so upset."

"Then the dementia must've settled in." Gig picked himself off the ground. "Did the fact that you're a freakin' goddess never manifest itself to you? You can't run around playing kissyface with mortals."

Virtuous smiled serenely. "Revya, who's the father of your child?"

"That is totally different!" Gig fired back. "In case you didn't notice in nine years, I'm not a god anymore."

"I see." Virtuous was still smiling. "So if you were still a god, you wouldn't have married Revya."

"Come _on_, Virtubitch! You're - you're..." He closed and unclosed his hands, as if trying to grab the right word out of the air. "..._old._"

Now Virtuous' smile slipped, replaced by an impatient sigh. "Why is this such a problem for you?"

"Look, I surrendered my godhood," Gig said. "I'm no longer there to make sure we deities don't end up looking like pushovers. And now you're-"

"I feel tired," Virtuous said benignly, lifting her staff and blasting Gig clear out the door. She turned to Revya. "Do you need anything?"

"No, Lady Virtuous." She executed another fast sorta-bow and hurried out the door.

Gig hadn't come to a halt until he'd hit the first wall, a good fifty feet beyond Virtuous' door. Revya found him groaning and rubbing the back of one shoulder, muttering many things that didn't bear repeating. He shrugged off her attempts to see if he was hurt, and the first coherent thing he said was, "Where is this guy?"

"Gig, is it really-"

"Are_ you_ comfortable with all of this?"

Revya hesitated. "It's Lady Virtuous' decision."

"Tell me where he is."

"If you promise not to hurt him."

"No way."

Revya tightened her jaw. "Well, I'm going with you. And you'd better not do anything that would shock me into an early labor."

Gig, muttering something about unfair advantages, got to his feet.

* * *

Gig's happy morning of barging in on people continued at a small bedroom on the cavern's second level, where he hesitated, raised his fist, then shook his head and kicked the door open. Revya caught a flurry of movement as she followed Gig inside - several pillows somersaulted through the air, and the blanket was flailing around vigorously. "Okay Dirk or Dork or whatever your name is, drag your lily white ass over here!"

Tentatively, a head poked around the edge of the bed. Revya recognized the flyaway salt-and-pepper hair and the wide blue eyes. "Erm..." said the man, "hello?"

"Hello," Gig said sweetly. He made a walking motion with his first two fingers. "You mind?"

Slowly, a tall, thin man emerged from around the bed, still in his jammies. Shoulders tensed, he took only a step towards Gig, darting Revya anxious looks.

"This is my husband, Gig," Revya said in what she hoped might be a soothing voice. For extra measure, she put her hand on Gig's arm. "He's an old friend of Lady Virtuous and he wants to meet you."

"Good morning," Dirk said. But he didn't come forward to shake hands. One hand went to his side, patted it, then fell limp.

"You do know she's a goddess?" Gig asked.

Dirk blinked. "Um...Well." He laughed shakily. "I admit, she is rather divine. So intelligent. So powerful."

"No, you ass blister, she's a goddess."

Dirk laughed shortly and turned to Revya. "Oh, you told me he was...er...amusing."

"Look." Gig seemed to have regained some measure of composure. He crossed his arms and lifted his chin. "You said it yourself, buddy. She's out of your league. So now's a good time to get out of town before I perform a very painful and irreversible operation on you."

Dirk's heavy black eyebrows moved together in disbelief. "I beg your pardon?"

Face impassive, Revya put a hand to her stomach. "Ouch."

Gig, ready with a comeback, flicked his attention toward her. Revya pointed to her belly button. Gig ground his teeth. "We'll talk later, you imbecilic-"

Revya tugged on his arm.

"-syphilitic-"

Revya hauled back.

"-religious deviant!" Gig wheeled, taking Revya with him, stalked out, and slammed the door.

* * *

"Just give me a hand," Revya said. "I'd love it if I didn't have to use you as my all-purpose caddy, but I can't move around too much."

Gig sighed and leaned back against the pillows, stretching one leg across the bed's foot board. Taking a knife from his bedside table, he began to peel one of his hotpods.

"Thanks." Sitting crosslegged on the floor by his side of the bed, Revya reached for a pile of mostly pastel fabrics. "Baby blankets. We have stacks and stacks of blankets." She lifted one. It was pale blue with a border of phynx puppies. "Grunzford made this. Crocheting's really his thing, but he'll knit too. It's small, so it'll be good to start out with." She leaned back and draped the blanket over Gig's leg. The next blanket was woolly orange. "Odie sent this one. See, it has a little hotpod stitched on the corner and the crest of Orviska." She rubbed it against her cheek. "Really soft. But it's also the size of a tablecloth, so we won't need it for awhile."

Swallowing a slice of hotpod, Gig propped his left arm on the bedside table. Revya slung the orange blanket across his bicep, then reached for a yellow gingham blanket. "Euphoria. Her letter said she wanted to embroider the baby's name on it, a boy's on one side, a girl's on the other. But since we haven't chosen, she just did daisies." As she arranged this blanket on Gig's leg, she frowned. "She couldn't believe we're waiting on the name."

"I don't see why." Deprived of the use of his left arm, Gig had discarded his knife and was now sectioning his hotpod with careful slices from his side teeth. "We haven't even met the sprog. How're we supposed to name it?"

Revya frowned thoughtfully again as she unfolded a dark, iridescent blanket from Juno. After shaking it out and hanging it on Gig's arm, she looked up into his face. "You know...I've never really thought about naming anything. I'm an amnesiac, but I never even thought about naming myself. When I woke up in the Village that first morning, Lady Virtuous just asked if I'd like a name." She unfolded a pink, lace-trimmed blanket from Vitali. "And she suggested Revya."

"Cute," Gig said, not referring to the blanket that was added to the group on his arm. "That was the name of Median's son. Doesn't it bother you how she gave you all these clues but never told you?"

Revya shook her head. They'd been over that many, many times. She'd forgiven Virtuous for crafting her life around one mission - containing Gig. What else could she have done? Stayed angry? She studied the next blanket in her lap, running her fingers over the lace edging. "Where'd your name come from?"

Gig finished the last of his hotpod. "What?"

"'Gig'. Why are you called that?"

Gig stared at her blankly.

"Did Drazil name you when you were remade?"

"Like hell. Like I'd go by any name that pusbag chose." He thought a moment, then shrugged. "I'm Gig. What else would I be?"

Revya folded one corner of the blanket, then unfolded it. "I guess so... When Lady Virtuous chose 'Revya' for me, I don't remember thinking that it sounded...wrong. I can't imagine being called anything else."

"Just what the hell is that?" Gig asked, staring at the blanket.

Revya held up the blanket, a mishmash of lime-green felt, blue paisley silk, half a lace trimming, a fringe going down the center and several large, random buttons. "Danette's."

"Great," said Gig. "Let's use it as a vomit rag." There was a knock at the door. Extricating himself from the various baby blankies, Gig swung to his feet and crossed to the front door. Revya went back to sorting until she heard Gig say, "Oh, back for more, pussywuss?" She set down her blanket, blinking over the "pussywuss", then tottered to her feet, using the bed for support.

"_Excuse_ me, I just-"

Revya joined Gig at the door, using her tummy to edge him out of the way (Gig glared, so she braced herself for the argument that would inevitably come). "Hi, Dirk."

Dirk latched onto Revya's wrist. "I needed to see you. Can we, er, go somewhere?"

Of all the things Dirk could've said and done, those were probably the worst.

Gig didn't usually react with violence when people wanted to see his wife alone. He didn't this time. The reason he reacted with violence was because he wanted to, plain and simple.

"Gig," Revya groaned by the time Gig had Dirk in a headlock.

"What?" Gig asked. Then, to Dirk, "Are you comfortable?"

"Release me!" Dirk roared, his voice much louder than Revya had ever heard it before.

Gig tightened his arm. "Mind repeating that?"

"Gig, I'm serious," Revya said, drawing herself up.

Gig glanced at her, then back down at Dirk. "C'mon, this isn't going to cause any contractions. I'll be done in a sec."

"_Gig."_

Gig looked up again, his eyes narrowed in an odd combination of resentment and blandness. "For some reason, my wife isn't in the mood for healthy mid-morning carnage." He tightened his arm again and drummed his fingers on top of Dirk's head.

"Unhand me at once!" Dirk bellowed, his arms wrapped around himself.

Gig swiftly unlocked his arm, allowing Dirk to plummet to the floor. Revya would've bent to help him up, but her stomach prevented it. Dirk seemed to need no aid, leaping to his feet with surprising agility, reaching one hand up to smooth his hair, the other in his jacket pocket.

"You, um, wanted to see me?" Revya asked.

Dirk shot a look full of unspoken unholy utterings at Gig. "Yes. If you please." Revya followed him down the hall. As she passed Gig, he crossed his arms and leaned back against the door post, watching her from narrowed eyes.

Dirk led her to a storage room. When she raised her eyebrows, he grimaced. "There's hardly any privacy in this cave, and...I'd rather people didn't...butt in." Shrugging, Revya followed him in. He kept the door barely open, allowing a thin strip of light to see by. "See," he said, his voice gradually becoming less gruff, "it's about Lady Virtuous."

Revya nodded, showing he had her attention. Still, he stalled.

"You and Danette seem to know her the best." He trailed off then, tapping his foot.

"As much as anyone knows Lady Virtuous." She thought a moment. "Gig probably knows her best."

"Yes, well," Dirk said, quickly and firmly, "never mind him. I was just wondering -er-" he threw Revya a nervous look "- how I might - I mean - how she might like to - be - proposed to?"

Revya didn't speak her immediate reaction. It was vaguely awestruck and accomplished in four letters. What she actually said was even more efficient: "Oh."

Dirk gestured quickly. "Any ideas?"

Revya couldn't make her brain work. After a moment, she wondered if she wanted to. But she had to say something. "Well...um...you shouldn't be..." She scrabbled for a word that would suffice. "...rude."

Dirk gave her a rather hopeless smile. "Well, yes, I wasn't planning on being rude."

"Um, and - um-" Revya realized she was edging towards the door. "Speak from your heart. I'm sure you'll-" she was halfway out the door now "-figure something out."

When she returned to her rooms, she met Gig heading out, his practice scythe over his shoulder. "I'm off to do some training, since _someone_ wants to stifle my creativity on a daily basis."

Revya disregarded the caustic tone. "You aren't leaving town?"

Gig rolled his eyes, ramping up the sarcasm by several notches. "Yes, angelpuff, I'm running off to the sea palace to start a harem of Nereids. Oh, and I'm taking the hotpods too."

"So you'll be in the sparring ring."

"Because I_ know_ you'll need me, butterfly dewdrop. You're always following my advice and letting me take care of things."

Revya grimaced and put her hand on her stomach. The baby had started kicking again - in fact, it felt like it was dancing a very energetic polka. This wasn't the first time, but it was getting more constant. "I really wish you hadn't put him in a headlock."

"Mmhm," Gig said dismissively, walking past her.

"Because he's going to ask Lady Virtuous to marry him," Revya continued, her voice shaking for the swiftest second. "So he could be in a position to make you pay for it."

"Just wait a bit longer, fish girls," Gig called back. "Gig's on his way!"

Revya sighed, then made a beeline for the nearest bathroom. The baby was feeling peppy, all over her bladder.

* * *

Talking with Dirk had left her too restless to sit and sort through baby junk, so she went down to Danette's room.

"Hey!" the Sepp said, finishing off a piece of banana bread, much cheerier than she'd been before. "I was just going to find you. Are you ready?"

Revya blinked. "Oh...no, not today."

Danette lifted her chin. "Hey, you can't slack off. You remember what Ben always told us in training. If you're not exercising, you're not healthy."

"At this point, just getting out of bed is plenty of exercise."

Danette flung her arm around Revya's shoulders and turned her around. "C'mon, a walk will make you feel perky. Too bad we can't spar. Nothing picks you up like beating the crap out of someone. I don't know why you're complaining; I feel great."

"Yeah, well you're only five months pregnant."

Danette frowned down at Revya's stomach, chewing her lip.

"What?"

"You cheated."

"_What?"_

"You got preggers three whole months before I did. How am I supposed to catch up and beat you?" She massaged her tummy. "C'mon, baby, you can do it! Grow!"

By then, they had crossed into the courtyard. The Village's flocks had been shorn this morning and now twenty steaming tubs had been set up. Dozens of villagers were bundling the fleece into sacks, then easing them into the tubs to soak. Lady Virtuous and Dirk strolled around the margins of the operation, followed respectfully by two guards.

With a soft squeal, Danette broke away from Revya. "Hey, Lady Virtuous!"

Revya noticed Dirk grimace as they approached, but Lady Virtuous raised an amused eyebrow to Danette, who'd always been her favorite. "You shouldn't tire yourself out."

"Oh, I'm fine. And I've found an even better way to save energy." Belatedly, Danette remembered to sketch a bow. "You know how you're um-" She glanced hesitantly back at Dirk.

Virtuous also glanced back. "Would you give us a moment, please?"

When Dirk had backed all the way into the center of the fleece-washing business, earning him many frustrated glares, Danette said, "Well, you know how you're the Master of Life?"

"Am I?" Virtuous asked lightly.

"I was just thinking, is there any way you could speed up my pregnancy so my baby's born before hers?"

Virtuous smiled and began waving Dirk back.

"No, really!" Danette persisted. "It's not just for me, you know! I mean, she's gonna need someone to show her how to take care of her baby, so I should be the one to-" She broke off because Dirk was now within earshot, smiling indulgently.

"It's so sweet," he said, giving Virtuous a misty look. "They're almost like your daughters, I suppose. I can see how indispensable you are to them."

Virtuous didn't reply to that, merely nodded to Danette and Revya, then graciously gestured Dirk onwards.

When they were gone, Revya moved to Danette's side. "If we're her daughters, he's going to be our stepfather."

Danette's eyes bulged. "What? You mean - he's proposed?"

"He's going to." Revya studied Danette's face. "Are you bothered?"

"Um." Danette dug the edge of one hoof into the stone ground. "He's nice." Then she looked up and they stared into each other's faces.

"Look, if she's happy," Revya said after a long moment, needing to force it out, "that's the important thing."

"Yeah." Danette nodded, firmly. Then she bit her lower lip. "It's just so weird."

Revya put her arm around Danette's shoulders.

"Oh, girls-!" From far ahead, Dirk had stopped and was calling back to them. "Could you do me a favor?"

"Sure," Revya called.

"I have some books on ancient runes I know Lady Virtuous would love. They're on my dresser. Could you-?"

"No problem." She turned to Danette and shrugged.

"I guess," said Danette.

"But let me go pee first."

* * *

Revya wasn't sure if Dirk's room was always this messy or if this was simply the byproduct of this morning's Gig Incident. In any case, there were no books on his dresser, though there were several hair brushes, some hand lotion, and a pink pincushion.

"Here's some junk," Danette said, kicking a stack of books and letters from under the bed. Revya gently lowered herself to the bed and reached for a book: _Sonnets of Soul Searching_. Frowning faintly - there was something about that title - she opened the book to see if anything related to runes were mentioned.

Of course a letter fell out.

Of course it landed on Revya's lap.

Of course she and Danette looked at each other.

"I bet it's incriminating." Danette said.

"This isn't a play," Revya said decidedly, picking the letter up and slipping it back into the book, with no intention to pry.

It fell out again. Back onto her lap.

"It's a sign!" Danette squealed, lunging for the letter.

"It isn't," Revya fired back, snatching up the letter.

"You want to look at it too! That's why you keep secretly dropping it!"

"I am not secretly dropping it." She shoved it back into the book.

It fluttered back out again, the top flap of the envelope flopped back and a sheet of paper slipped out.

It landed in Revya's lap.

"Ohmygosh, I see Lady Virtuous' name on it!" Danette grabbed her horns.

Revya covered it with her hand, struggling not to look down and see for herself. "So it's a letter to Lady Virtuous. So what?"

"No, no, no, not a letter _to_ Lady Virtuous, a letter _about_ Lady Virtuous!"

"So..." Revya grasped for defenses against the temptation to peek. "Maybe he's writing to his - mom - about her because he wants to...bring her...home for dinner?"

Danette narrowed her eyes and put her hands on her hips. "Give me that letter."

"Look," Revya tried, "let's just-"

"If you wanna fight me for it, okay, but just remember that I'm the one with horns."

Revya sighed and handed the letter over.

"Thanks." Danette smoothed the crackling paper out. "Shoot, I hope there's nothing pervy in this. If he says something pervy about Lady Virtuous, I'm going to fold him tighter than this envelope. Anyway..._ Dear Lance: Things are going well in Cave-Land. The hag is head over heels. This is easy street. She runs the place, and from what I've seen, there's gotta be some treasure here. Wedding bells are ringing. - Dirk_

_P.S. Some of the locals may be trouble. They breed fighters here like bunnies. Anyway, I'll be carrying my weapons just in case. Believe me, there are plenty of people I'd like to whack... Trouble is they're all crazy. Well, I'll play nice._

_P.P.S. What the hell sorta name is Virtuous anyway?_"

Revya jumped up to the read the letter, twice before she really believed it.

"See," Danette said, "snooping's a virtue."

"We have to tell her."

"And snap his neck!"

They were already out the door, but Revya stopped Danette. "Hey, we're pregnant. We can't go around neck-snapping."

Danette frowned uncertainly. "What if we...gently snapped his neck? So we didn't jostle the babies?"

"We can't just rush him either," Revya went on. "He's carrying weapons. And I don't know about you, but I definitely shouldn't be using the onyx blade right now."

"Then what are we going to do? He's almost always around Lady Virtuous. And she definitely won't let us deal with him." Danette frowned. "She likes him too much."

Revya thought a moment, then began leading Danette down the corridor.

* * *

The first person they found was Killian, leaning against a wall on the lowest level, rubbing a large bruise on his forehead. "It's okay," he said, even as Danette hurried towards him. "Just getting in with my training. Very helpful. We-" he winced "-fearsome warrior types need to stay primed."

The next person they found was Gadius, dragging his left leg toward the Village infirmary. "Don't worry," he called to them, even though neither had said anything, "just part of my training regimen. No use in making things easy for ourselves, right?"

They knew they were closing in when they found Marlene sitting on the ground, preening her wings with one hand, the other being locked in a sling. "Third strained wrist in a month," she muttered. "You think I'd see it coming. He's only done that move every freaking time."

There were two long-established rules of the Village's training ring: all weapons used within it must be wooden, and when one participant called out defeat, the other must yield. That didn't make things easy or even particularly safe. As they approached the ring, Revya frowned with concern, hoping there wouldn't be much blood.

Grunzford snorted contemptuously, turning his wooden axe over in his hands. "You're getting cocky now. You always do when you're _weakening_."

"You're getting delusional now," Gig replied. "You always do when you're senile." Running her eyes quickly over him, Revya didn't see much blood, only a couple scratches and some already-dark bruises on his arms. Grunzford's hide was streaked with sweat.

"Gig?" Revya called out. "Can you stop the mayhem for a second?"

Gig didn't even turn his head as he circled to Grunzford's left, looking for an opening the Redflank didn't offer. Revya leaned her elbows on the fence, waiting while Danette sighed impatiently. Flexing his back, Grunzford made a swipe which Gig lightly sidestepped. They circled each other a moment. Gig lunged, but Grunzford dodged by falling back a pace. They squared off, studying each other. Then took to circling.

"Guys," Revya said, "why are you doing this? You're fighting with an axe and a scythe. You can't parry. So whoever lands the first blow is going to be the winner." They were still circling. "Could you please hurry up?"

"Don't interfere, young one," Grunzford replied.

Revya sighed and covered her face with her hand. She was a warrior. She understood the need to see a duel through. But, she couldn't help thinking, if Gig were pregnant and wanting her attention, she'd give up a duel for _him_.

It wasn't until five minutes more of circling, swiping and dodging had transpired (accentuated by Danette's ever increasing outbursts of impatience) that Gig's scythe managed to hit. Grunzford grunted and lowered his axe in a yield. Gig, breathing harder than he probably wanted people to notice, laughed and straightened. "You know, I feel like steak tonight. Maybe I'll barbecue some burgers."

"Your pride's gotten you into trouble before," Grunzford huffed. "I'd've thought you'd learned that by now."

Gig spun his scythe one-handed, grinning as Grunzford lumbered off. Then he headed towards the far end of the ring.

"Hey." Revya looked up sharply. "Wait."

Gig paused, then turned slowly on his heel to face her. "What, you need something?"

Revya blinked and tried to ignore the tone. "Yeah. We need you actually."

Gig looked at Danette, then her, then said nothing. Revya gestured him closer. With a sigh, he walked to the fence.

Revya leaned toward him. "It's about Dirk." Gig raised an eyebrow. "We need your help with him." And she explained about the letter.

Gig hadn't lowered his eyebrow. "Let me get this straight," he said when she was finished. "An hour ago, you were chewing my head off because I gave Dirk a neck rub. And now you want me to, what...decapitate him? Carve him into cubes for stew? Separate his intestines by length _and_ color?"

"I just thought, seeing as you don't like him very much..."

"Yeah, but maybe it's the principle of the thing."

Revya blinked, hard. "Principles?"

"It seems like my badassery's only acceptable as long as it comes made to order."

"Huh?" said Danette.

Revya shifted her feet, not only because they were aching. "Look, earlier - we didn't know Dirk was a total slime job."

"_You_ didn't know," Gig corrected.

Revya drummed her fingers against her thigh, not wanting to admit that Gig was usually the better judge of character. "You knew Dirk was trying to get with Lady Virtuous so he could find the treasure that's supposedly here?"

"You think there isn't treasure here?" Gig laughed. "This place has more history than you'd ever guess."

The three of them glanced at each other. "The onyx blade was kept here," Revya said after a moment.

"Not to mention _my soul_," Gig added.

"Crap." Danette's eyes were wide. "I bet Lady Virtuous has a ton of treasure here. Like - heaps." She looked quickly at Revya. "The back caverns! I bet that's where she keeps it."

The baby thwumped against Revya's stomach. She put her hand over it, belatedly noticing that Gig was following her movements. But all she said was, "We're not on a treasure hunt. We're on a..."

"A man hunt," Gig finished, watching her just a moment longer. He leaned the practice scythe against the fence, then vaulted over it to their side.

Danette glared. "Do you have to be so disgustingly limber?"

"The hell?"

Danette stamped her hoof. "I'm just sick of seeing you able to run around and fight when I'm - when I'm-"

Gig took Revya's wrist and began walking. "Hey, it's not my fault you're pregnant."

Danette stalked after him. "You're the only male here. You have to take the fall."

* * *

They delayed just long enough for Gig to grab his business scythe before seeking out Virtuous' swain. It was just as well they didn't find him immediately, because they weren't done arguing.

"We need to keep this-"

"Civil?" Gig interrupted. "Kid, you'd better not say 'civil'."

"-out of Lady Virtuous' way," Revya finished. She glanced down a corridor. "I don't want her seeing this."

Gig grinned, showing his teeth. "Heh. If she finds out what that asswipe is up to, there won't be enough left for us to maim."

"I dunno," Danette said from Revya's other side. "I mean, she really seems to like him. I'm worried she'll..." Revya glanced at Danette. "I mean, remember how I was when she died? And you when he died. You just sort of...grind down. You can't think or feel or...and I don't want that to happen to Lady Virtuous."

"We aren't planning to kill him," Revya said.

"That's news to me," Gig mentioned.

"Still, if he just leaves and she knows he betrayed her..." Danette trailed off.

"Wait, are you torn on this? You think letting him marry her and-" Gig broke off, then shook his head as if trying to clear it. "No way can I imagine Virtubitch married."

Revya could've said that Vituous probably would've said the same of Gig, but just then she hared off from the two of them.

"Hey!" Gig called back. "Kid?"

Danette noticed the corridor she'd trotted down. "Bathroom."

* * *

They saw Dirk from a great distance, across the expanse of wool-soaking tubs. In addition to the tubs, large wagons had been trundled into the courtyard, bearing the harvest from the Village's orchards, fields and gardens. Beyond a heap of cucumbers and tomatoes, they could see Dirk standing in the cave's entrance, evidently taking some air. "If we want to keep this quiet," Revya said, "we have to lure him away from the crowds."

"How?" Gig asked. "Have the cow belly dance?"

"He doesn't suspect anything, so..." Revya glanced at Gig's scythe, which was long, sharp and certainly couldn't be hidden on Gig's person. "Go wait for us in..." She intensely thought for a moment. It was midmorning. Where would no one be? "Wait for us by the hotsprings."

Gig showed his lovely white teeth in a smile. "Mm, a beheading and a drowning. I approve." And shouldering his scythe, he sauntered through the maze of tubs, flashed Dirk a grin, and strolled out of the cave.

Revya and Danette gave it five minutes before they walked out into the open, still arguing under their breaths about what excuse to feed Dirk. How could they get him out to the hotsprings? In a way that didn't sound ludicrously inappropriate?

While Revya was still explaining how they'd tell Dirk that one of the hotsprings was cooling down, and since everyone else was busy he needed to fix it, Danette evidently came to a quick decision. As they approached Dirk, Danette picked up a tomato from a wagon and threw it at the back of his head with a mighty splat.

Dirk spluttered and whirled around, one hand clenching his hair, which was full of seeds and pulp. Revya looked blank, Danette looked delighted, then quickly arranged her face into exaggerated shock. "Oh no! Did that, um, hit you?"

"I-" Dirk lowered his hand, then jerked it back up to his hair again.

"Er..." said Revya. "Why don't you get washed up? In one of the hotsprings."

"Wh - _why_ did you-!"

Danette looked nervously at Revya. "Um, well, you see..."

Revya sent her brain into overdrive, where it would work quickly but she couldn't guarantee the quality of anything that came out. "Well, we...we thought you knew."

Dirk blinked hard at her, tomato guts slopping down the back of his neck.

"We...it's our...Our Tomato Ritual. You see, the first tomato of every harvest has to be sacrificed in thanks to the gods. And, um, the person who gets hit by the tomato is lucky, because the tomato of luck hit him and...that's good."

"We both got hit by the tomato of luck last year," Danette improvised. "That's why we both got pregnant."

"Tomatoes made you pregnant?" Dirk asked dryly.

Revya considered hitting Dirk with another tomato, a not so lucky one, or maybe a cucumber, which would be harder, but she kept her mind on her mission. "I'm sure you're going to be really lucky."

Dirk curled his lip as he tried to claw tomato pulp out of his hair, but his voice was relatively calm. "So this is a Hidden Village compliment?"

"Because you mean so much to us," Revya replied. "Now, why don't you get cleaned up?" She made a move towards the front of the cave.

"Oh, I'll just have a bath in my room." Dirk started drearily away.

Danette, at only five months, was better at lunging. She clamped her hands around his right wrist. "No - um - the hotsprings are better. The water's nicer. It has all this healthy crap in it." Lady Virtuous had explained that to them once, but neither of them really understood it.

Dirk, however, looked thoughtful. "Yes, I've heard the Village's springs have unique properties. They're said to rejuvenate, and they often cure sicknesses."

"And they clean away tomato goop," Revya added.

"Very well." Dirk shrugged. "I'll go get my towel." And he left them. After five minutes, he seemed to be surprised to see them waiting for him. He fiddled with the fluffy blue towel in his hands. "Well, I'll be seeing you." They waved at him as he walked out.

The baby felt like it turned a somersault, but Revya didn't let that stop her. "Give him fifteen seconds."

* * *

They could hear Dirk whistling a melancholy little tune as he walked down the mountain path to the hotsprings. As expected, they met no one else. No one would be able to see them from the guard posts outside the Village. They'd just have to hope his screams didn't echo too much.

Dirk came to the clearing where the three hotsprings bubbled. The path continued past, so there was a small intersection. Straddling this intersection, scythe braced against his shoulder and catching the light, was Gig.

He raised his eyebrows. "Like tomatoes, do you?"

Dirk's back to was to her, but Revya could imagine his grimace. "It's some ritual. Don't you know about it?"

"Oh yeah," Gig said easily. "The 'pelt the S.O.B. with fruit before you eviscerate him at the hotsprings' ceremony."

Revya couldn't imagine Dirk's face, but he reached his hand up to touch his jacket, then took a step back.

"I wouldn't retreat if I were you," Danette declared, hands on hips.

Dirk spun around, dropping his towel. "Whuh - wait!" He whirled back on Gig. "Are you - you can't be serious -"

Gig spun his scythe two-handed over his head, his movements fluid. "You have to watch out for us rural, out of the way communities. When we're not marrying our relatives, we're sacrificing outsiders to bizarre primitive deities."

"You're - you're-"

"We're cannibals too. See, we always hit our victims with fruit because that improves their flavor. Myself, I would've opted for hotpods, but maybe the girls thought you didn't deserve them."

"This is about Lady Virtuous," Revya said, stepping forward. Gig raised his eyebrow. She thought he was annoyed at being interrupted, but he made a half-circle around Dirk, stepping between her and their victim. Dirk, for his part, kept turning to face Gig. He was reaching under his coat, his eyes narrowing. Revya sighed impatiently. "We _aren't_ going to eat you. We aren't going to kill you."

"Maybe," Gig interjected.

"But we are going to turn you inside out if you don't get out of here!" Danette bawled. "I never want to see you again!"

Dirk had squared himself. "What is this about?"

"We saw your letter," Revya said, working to keep control of her voice. Meanwhile, the baby was playing hopscotch. "About betraying Lady Virtuous and stealing our treasure."

"I..." Dirk swallowed, his eyes tracking Gig's scythe as the ex-god tapped it on the ground. "...was speaking metaphorically."

"Heard enough?" Gig asked Revya.

"Yeah, I guess," Revya answered, frowning from a slow ache in her abdomen. "Have fun."

"No, I'm not done," Danette said. Standing up straight, she spoke very loudly and very clearly. "You are a smarmy, twitchy, disgusting blob of spit, and I hope you die a slow agonized death of leprosy, tuberculosis and being chewed to unrecognizable chunks by wild dingoes!"

Gig cleared his throat. "May I?"

Danette huffed and glared. "I guess."

"Okay." Gig levered the scythe up in both hands.

Dirk bared his teeth, his shoulders hunched. "Aren't you going to say anything?"

Gig shrugged. "Fear my pwnful wrath or something like that." He slung the scythe back.

Dirk whipped something out of his coat. Revya heard a blast - felt the sound itself in her chest - then heard something sheer between her and Danette. She and the Sepp dropped to the ground, she on her side, trying to watch for any danger. Pain surged through her again, though it wasn't a bullet.

Dirk screamed, his pistol cartwheeled into the air, then - then there was a thin fountain of blood, a perfect arc, Dirk's hand hitting the ground. Gig's scythe swung up, glistening red, catching the brilliant flare of light from - from -

A healing spell descended over the fighters, roaring in Revya's ears. When it lifted, Dirk had dropped to his knees, clutching the bloodless stump of his wrist. Gig's strike had gone wide, the scythe's blade biting into the road.

"Explain yourselves," Virtuous demanded from further up the path, her green eyes hard. "All of you."

"He-" Danette gasped, her arms trembling as she hoisted herself up. "He was trying to betray you-"

"He friggin' _shot_ at them!" Gig shouted.

"We didn't mean to go this far." Revya raised herself, but had to sit down again as a sudden tightening within overwhelmed her a moment.

Virtuous narrowed her eyes and gazed at Dirk. "You shot at unarmed onlookers? Pregnant women?"

"And tried to betray you!" Danette broke in. "He wanted the treasure-"

"Quiet, Danette," Virtuous clipped. "I already knew that."

Gig grabbed the back of Dirk's hair and wrenched his head back. Or tried to. A badly-used toupee slipped easily off his black hair.

Gig tossed the toupee to the side with the barest interest, grabbed the back of Dirk's hair, and wrenched his head back. He hooked his scythe blade around his neck, then looked pointedly over at Virtuous.

Virtuous tightened her lips, hesitated - then shook her head.

Gig narrowed his eyes, then used the scythe to hook Dirk's arm, the undamaged one, raising it so Virtuous could see it clearly. He tipped his head to the side, waiting, but his expression didn't promise much obedience.

Virtuous regarded her ex-suitor, then began to incline her head.

"I don't mean to be pushy," Revya whispered, grimacing, "but my water just broke."

Gig, having raised his scythe to perform amateur surgery, did the quickest thing he could: clubbed Dirk in the back of his head. By the time he reached Revya's side, Virtuous was helping her sit up.

"We need to get her back to the Village!" Danette was yapping. "And we need hot water and-"

"Will you shut up, you ass-backwards bovine, the kid can't walk, she's pushing out a friggin'-"

"If you all give me some room, I think I can make it up to the-"

"Maybe you could, but the road's steep in places. I'd rather you stay here."

"_Stay here?_ You demented hag, she can't pop our baby out on the-"

"Oh my gosh, that fall didn't hurt you! No, my best friend's going to die and-"

"I really think I can make it back to the-"

"I'll stay with you, Revya. Gig, go run for Nei. She knows what she'll need to bring."

"Like hell I'm leaving the kid! You run for help, she needs me."

Virtuous stood and poked Gig in the middle of the chest. "As the Master of Life, I have the slimmest suspicion I'll be more useful here. Now stop shooting your mouth off and get Nei."

Gig looked at Virtuous, then Revya, then, with some exceptional parting statements, set off at a run.

* * *

Dirk groaned softly, though from hunger or headache, Gig neither knew nor cared. He, for his part, leaned back against a boulder, idly shredding a hotpod with his thumbnail while watching the cluster of women further up the path.

"How long has this been going on?" Dirk asked, wriggling around in the ropes Gig had bound him in around lunch.

Gig glanced up at the sky. "Hour towards sunset." Revya gave a sharp cry, and he tensed. He could hear Virtuous and Nei saying something soothing.

"I promise I won't run away," Dirk said.

"Here's a deal," Gig said, not taking his eyes off the group. "I'll untie you. And I'll cut off your feet to make sure you stay put."

Dirk glanced at his right arm, which was still attached to his body.

"Don't get hopeful," Gig said. "I only held off because Lady Virtuous doesn't want any more of your blood lying around. It might contaminate the baby."

"Glad to be of service," Dirk said faintly. "You must realize, I wasn't aiming at them. Only-"

"-only threatening me by aiming at them. Right."

"I wasn't going to hit either of them," Dirk persisted. Gig didn't bother with a reply, wishing Dirk would just pass out again. Dirk, however, seemed to want to play nice. "When I was awake last time," he said after a moment, "your wife was walking around. That was only a few hours ago, right?"

"Yeah," Gig said shortly, tension creeping into his voice. He bit off half the hotpod and worked it through his teeth, not really tasting it.

Dirk wriggled around, perhaps looking for a more comfortable position. "And the time before that, that big crowd was here. You were shouting at them."

"You'd think they hadn't heard of someone having a baby before," Gig muttered. "Damn gawkers."

"This your first baby?" Gig nodded. "I have six."

That drew Gig's attention away from his wife. "You really get around, don't you?"

Dirk shrugged. "I'm tired of it. I thought settling down with a rich old crone wouldn't be so bad." He glowered. "Who knew she ran a village full of psychotic barbarians?"

"What can I say? They were raised in a cave." Gig finished his hotpod. "So, while you were out, I had a talk with the hag."

Dirk's eyes widened.

"Sadly, she did not reconsider your death sentence. She wanted me to let you know she was on to your scheme."

Dirk frowned. "She didn't mind?"

"Of course she minded." Gig picked up another pod, glanced at the bundle of women for any new signs, then began to peel the fruit. "She was going to wait until you proposed, then refuse you in front of the entire Village, then let us escort you out of town." He made a long cut. "The children would've mocked you." Another cut. "She would've encouraged it. You sort of hashed the public exposition, but I'm pretty sure we'll still take care of you."

* * *

Revya didn't see her room again until late that night, after Ben and Van had carried her back into the Village on a makeshift litter. Even then, everyone kept crowding through the room, exclaiming over the baby, asking how she was. When she fell asleep, Danette was talking about baby names, how the two of them should give their babies names that rhymed...

She had only a short reprieve before she awoke to her daughter's cries. Not entirely awake, Revya sat slightly up and positioned the baby so she could nurse. The room was mostly empty, though someone had left a kerosene lamp, turned low. By the dim light, she could see Danette curled up in a chair next to the bed, her mouth open, her ears twitching. One leg kicked out as she dreamed. On Revya's other side, Gig lay half on the bad, half on a stool, face in his folded arms, looking absolutely tanked. She reached her free hand out and touched his hair.

Gig flinched, then rolled onto his side, blinking blankly at her. Then he shook himself and sat up, leaning over to examine the blue-eyed baby. "Needy little sprog, isn't she?"

"You were just as bad," Revya whispered, glancing at Danette's sleeping form. "Always demanding hotpods."

Gig kissed the baby's head, then stood and stretched, working the muscles in his back. "We should name her Hotpod."

"We are not naming her Hotpod," Revya said with all the firmness she could muster.

"Why not? It was our first thing in common. It's our deep spiritual bond."

"We are _not_," Revya repeated, weariness already causing her eyelids to flutter, "naming her Hotpod."

Gig smiled. "We'll discuss it in the morning."


End file.
